Confessions Of A Broken Mind!

I have endured pain and loss. I have felt broken. I have known hardship, and I have felt lost and alone. But here I stand, trying to move forward, one day at a time. I will remember the lessons in my life because they are making me who I am. Stronger. A warrior.

So this is my first time writing on this blog, but hopefully wont be my last. I still remember sitting in the pub just before Christmas 2018 at our first annual Warconvo Christmas meet up and awards. We spent some time drinking and laughing and talking about everything that we had done and achieved that year and I remember it being a struggle for me and the feelings of being trapped and alone even know I was surrounded by friends.

It was a struggle for me – like so many other people around the world – I struggle with a mental health Condition.

Roll back 6 months in the year and i had just been signed off work following a break down where i had decided that i wanted to take my own life. I didn’t make this decision because I did not want to carry on any more but because I couldn’t live with the pain of life any more. I Spent several weeks in intensive therapy and then many months after that i spent time getting help for various different teams and professionals.

Before this all happened i was an active Wargamer and loved to play Warhammer 40k with my friends and had quite a large Grey Knights army and a fledgling Necron force that i was still working on. But after everything happend i lost my love for the hobby and for almost 18 months i did not pick up a brush or clip a model from a sprue.

I confessed to one of my close friends and fellow member of WarConvo that i had lost my passion for the game and my army’s. That even looking at them filled me with dread and the thought of picking up a brush and putting paint on a model scared me. We spent some time talking and I Eventually decided that to get me back into the hobby i needed something new. Something different to sink my teeth into……. I Decided to start a new Tau Empire army.

Now i didnt want to overwelm my self so my only rule was to start small. My First purchase was the Codex and i spent several weeks reading it cover to cover so that i could get a feel for the story and history of the army. I had intended to only purchase 1 unit at a time and build and paint each unit before i purchased another one. However through pure dumb luck i was lucky enough to win some vouchers from a local gaming store and with my £75 worth of vouchers I went to the store and got a Tau start collecting box set and a Crisis Commander.

I spent almost a month looking at the boxes every day dreading putting them together. What if i did it wrong? What if it wasn’t good enough…..what if i wasn’t good enough???

These where all thought processes that i needed to shake. I needed to step up to the plate and just do it…And I did. 3 Weeks ago i built my first model in almost 2 years. My Tau Commander was assembled. It took me another week of nerves and anxiety before i finally built 3 Crisis suits. It was slowly getting easier. it was only 3 days before i built my ethereal commander. Then 2 days later i started building fire warriors. I have now completed the start of my army and it’s ready to paint.

I will post pictures of the army prebuilt and ready to paint in my next post which will detail the process of painting my new army. Untill then thanks for taking the time to read my rambelings and i hope you come back to read part 2.